Passion, Pain, & Progress
How has insecurity and immaturity shaped my life’s path?
In the spring of 2007, I found myself nearing the end of my Junior year of college and utterly confused as to what I was going to do after graduation. In applying for jobs,, I realized that Most positions that I applied for, I was overqualified or under confident to do. I really wanted a job in the medical field, to find out if I would really enjoy a career in the healthcare field. Unfortunately, the job offers weren’t rolling in, and everyone that said they would help me forgot about me, while I was too shy to bring up the subject again. I wondered if a healthcare career was for me.” Although, I entered college with the intent to study Chemistry and follow a pre-medicine track, I was as far away from that track as Dorothy was from Kansas. Like Dorothy when she crashed into Oz, I was lost, immature, and unsure of myself. In following Dorothy’s footsteps on my own yellow brick road, I had to face my fears, learn some lessons, and mature and evolve. The truth of the matter is that while I finished undergraduate school, by far I was not ready for medical school. I decided to move back home and get a job.
The truth of the matter is that while I finished high school, and undergraduate school, by far I was not ready for medical school. I had to regroup and make a plan. I decided to move back home and get a job, while I prepared for medical school.
When comparing myself to my peers (of course one should never do this), I felt that I was not on track for my age. I felt like a doctor measuring a infants height, weight, and circumferences, to make sure they are in their proper percentile for normal development, only to realize that the infant is not in where they should be developmentally. According to the success of my peers, I was not doing well at all. As you can infer, this was even worse for my confidence. I started thinking “Maybe there is something wrong with me, maybe I’m not meant to be great after all. I was experiencing what some may call a “quarter-life crisis, and although I feel better about my future, it still upsets me that I am not very sure what my successful or great thing is yet.
After college, I moved back home in 2008, feeling similarly to college, I didn’t think that I had the necessary skill set for the jobs that I wanted. In hindsight, I realize that if I had a more confidence at the time, and if I applied myself more, I would have gotten a job that I coveted. I ended up applying to a number of entry level positions with no luck. I started volunteering, singing in the choir at my mom’s church (now my current church), and I started a job doing data entry at my high school program, Gateway Institute for Pre -College Education in Spring of 2009. I decided to apply to CCNY for the upcoming fall semester. I still was not sure if I was really ready for medical school but I felt that I was on the right path, at least.
I tell these stories in order to explain why some five years later (2014), I'm kinda just now moving forward toward reaching my goals. In July of 2009, I started dating a younger man that I knew from where I used to study martial arts in 2004. Looking back at it, I realize I was in an abusive relationship, not physically so much but emotionally. I was not fully confident in what my future held, but I loved the idea of having a boyfriend. This was an emotionally taxing relationship for he had self-confidence issues as I had but at times he took it out on me. I did my absolute best to be there for him and help but I was destroying myself in the process. Following some dramatic events, I decided to drop out of my classes at CCNY. I was not able to focus like how I really needed to and my grades reflected it. I figured once he was on track, I could get back into school and do what I needed to do. My reasoning led me to believe that was the proper thing to do in a relationship, you have to sacrifice somethings to help one another. Going into the relationship, I felt strong and hopeful, and at that point I felt insecure and weak.
In May of 2011, we ended up breaking up. It was rough with a lot of friction, but as I moved from from that life experience, I began to rebuild myself and my life. In the relationship, knowing that things were not right, I realized I was settling for less than I deserved. In it, I thought if you really loved someone, you were willing to stick with them through thick and thin, which is why I tried to stay and help, but I have learned that a person that really loves you would not treat you like that and that there are somethings you cannot change, or wait for a person to change about themselves. A person that loves you would build you up, not tear you down.
During the reshaping phase of my life, I wondered why didn't I have the life that I dreamed about. Reshaping and rebuilding time of my life I did a lot of thinking, I started doing more at church, I joined the AV ministry and took over the church website. I took on more responsibilities in my personal life. At work, I was being shifted around because my program was feeling the hard hit of the recession, and they were letting people go. I was able to stay on but I had to take on more responsibilities with no increase in pay. Here and there I applied to jobs that I really wanted or thought I could get with none coming to fruition. When things were just about to get worse at work,I got a job offer to be the receptionist at a United Methodist church in Brooklyn. My pastor referred me, and combined with my work experience, I was offered the job. It was a welcomed change from the Gateway pre-college education program. I was thinking that life was starting to look up.
In my reshaping period, adults that I knew, as well as the pastor of my church, was very influential in helping me to readjust how I thought about myself and my future. I would admit that immaturity and maybe stubbornness, kept me from speaking to elders about issues that I had. In speaking to the elders, I relearned that, the older population has much more experience than people my own age, and that they can give you some sound advice. I had a bit more confidence in myself because of it, and while I had fear, Finally in 2013, I made the decision to return to school.
It is weird to think about, because I hadn’t thought about it at all until now, but in that time, the low self confidence/esteem, the confusion of the future, the thought of unsuccessfulness can all be deduced as stress but more so, as immaturity and insecurity. Immaturity in how I thought about myself, and not being confident about my own talents and skills. And being insecure about not being able to step up to and concur challenges that I may face at school, work, and in life. By going through the obstacles that I detailed, I learned a lot about myself and I forced myself to overcome my fears and move forward by setting goals, and actually taking steps towards reaching them.
In June of 2013, when I got home from work, my mom was super excited. She said So and so are leaving? One of the Cĺinical Assistants of the Hospice she worked for was leaving and that I should apply for the position. I was very weary about applying, after review of the job description, I realized that it was a job that I could actually do although a lot would be required of me. I decided to apply anyway, and I got the job. For me it was really exciting, the idea of a full-time job with benefits, greater responsibilities, and most of all a clinical setting. I was preparing to return to school and I had a new job to match. The idea that I could attend my 10 year HS reunion and college with some sort of developments going on (I avoided attending the 5 year College reunion for that same reason) felt the best.
I have some great advantages, working for my current job. I am able to speak to medical professionals about their experiences and career journeys, and I can see that I've traversed a yellow brick road of discovery, self actualization and maturity. If I could look back at myself standing where I crashed into Oz, that young lady is almost unrecognizable to me now. But thanks to my yellow brick road, I am more confident in my abilities and talents; I'm more critical and inquisitive of the world; and I have beautiful hopes of the future. And even though I'm not where I thought I wanted to be, I realize that I can click my heels and go anywhere I imagine. I call that freedom.
The truth of the matter is that while I finished high school, and undergraduate school, by far I was not ready for medical school. I had to regroup and make a plan. I decided to move back home and get a job, while I prepared for medical school.
When comparing myself to my peers (of course one should never do this), I felt that I was not on track for my age. I felt like a doctor measuring a infants height, weight, and circumferences, to make sure they are in their proper percentile for normal development, only to realize that the infant is not in where they should be developmentally. According to the success of my peers, I was not doing well at all. As you can infer, this was even worse for my confidence. I started thinking “Maybe there is something wrong with me, maybe I’m not meant to be great after all. I was experiencing what some may call a “quarter-life crisis, and although I feel better about my future, it still upsets me that I am not very sure what my successful or great thing is yet.
After college, I moved back home in 2008, feeling similarly to college, I didn’t think that I had the necessary skill set for the jobs that I wanted. In hindsight, I realize that if I had a more confidence at the time, and if I applied myself more, I would have gotten a job that I coveted. I ended up applying to a number of entry level positions with no luck. I started volunteering, singing in the choir at my mom’s church (now my current church), and I started a job doing data entry at my high school program, Gateway Institute for Pre -College Education in Spring of 2009. I decided to apply to CCNY for the upcoming fall semester. I still was not sure if I was really ready for medical school but I felt that I was on the right path, at least.
I tell these stories in order to explain why some five years later (2014), I'm kinda just now moving forward toward reaching my goals. In July of 2009, I started dating a younger man that I knew from where I used to study martial arts in 2004. Looking back at it, I realize I was in an abusive relationship, not physically so much but emotionally. I was not fully confident in what my future held, but I loved the idea of having a boyfriend. This was an emotionally taxing relationship for he had self-confidence issues as I had but at times he took it out on me. I did my absolute best to be there for him and help but I was destroying myself in the process. Following some dramatic events, I decided to drop out of my classes at CCNY. I was not able to focus like how I really needed to and my grades reflected it. I figured once he was on track, I could get back into school and do what I needed to do. My reasoning led me to believe that was the proper thing to do in a relationship, you have to sacrifice somethings to help one another. Going into the relationship, I felt strong and hopeful, and at that point I felt insecure and weak.
In May of 2011, we ended up breaking up. It was rough with a lot of friction, but as I moved from from that life experience, I began to rebuild myself and my life. In the relationship, knowing that things were not right, I realized I was settling for less than I deserved. In it, I thought if you really loved someone, you were willing to stick with them through thick and thin, which is why I tried to stay and help, but I have learned that a person that really loves you would not treat you like that and that there are somethings you cannot change, or wait for a person to change about themselves. A person that loves you would build you up, not tear you down.
During the reshaping phase of my life, I wondered why didn't I have the life that I dreamed about. Reshaping and rebuilding time of my life I did a lot of thinking, I started doing more at church, I joined the AV ministry and took over the church website. I took on more responsibilities in my personal life. At work, I was being shifted around because my program was feeling the hard hit of the recession, and they were letting people go. I was able to stay on but I had to take on more responsibilities with no increase in pay. Here and there I applied to jobs that I really wanted or thought I could get with none coming to fruition. When things were just about to get worse at work,I got a job offer to be the receptionist at a United Methodist church in Brooklyn. My pastor referred me, and combined with my work experience, I was offered the job. It was a welcomed change from the Gateway pre-college education program. I was thinking that life was starting to look up.
In my reshaping period, adults that I knew, as well as the pastor of my church, was very influential in helping me to readjust how I thought about myself and my future. I would admit that immaturity and maybe stubbornness, kept me from speaking to elders about issues that I had. In speaking to the elders, I relearned that, the older population has much more experience than people my own age, and that they can give you some sound advice. I had a bit more confidence in myself because of it, and while I had fear, Finally in 2013, I made the decision to return to school.
It is weird to think about, because I hadn’t thought about it at all until now, but in that time, the low self confidence/esteem, the confusion of the future, the thought of unsuccessfulness can all be deduced as stress but more so, as immaturity and insecurity. Immaturity in how I thought about myself, and not being confident about my own talents and skills. And being insecure about not being able to step up to and concur challenges that I may face at school, work, and in life. By going through the obstacles that I detailed, I learned a lot about myself and I forced myself to overcome my fears and move forward by setting goals, and actually taking steps towards reaching them.
In June of 2013, when I got home from work, my mom was super excited. She said So and so are leaving? One of the Cĺinical Assistants of the Hospice she worked for was leaving and that I should apply for the position. I was very weary about applying, after review of the job description, I realized that it was a job that I could actually do although a lot would be required of me. I decided to apply anyway, and I got the job. For me it was really exciting, the idea of a full-time job with benefits, greater responsibilities, and most of all a clinical setting. I was preparing to return to school and I had a new job to match. The idea that I could attend my 10 year HS reunion and college with some sort of developments going on (I avoided attending the 5 year College reunion for that same reason) felt the best.
I have some great advantages, working for my current job. I am able to speak to medical professionals about their experiences and career journeys, and I can see that I've traversed a yellow brick road of discovery, self actualization and maturity. If I could look back at myself standing where I crashed into Oz, that young lady is almost unrecognizable to me now. But thanks to my yellow brick road, I am more confident in my abilities and talents; I'm more critical and inquisitive of the world; and I have beautiful hopes of the future. And even though I'm not where I thought I wanted to be, I realize that I can click my heels and go anywhere I imagine. I call that freedom.